News of recent Turkish maneuvers has caused a stir in Eastern Europe as observers try to determine the logic of the Ottoman's tactics. "It reminds me of what you see when a gang of kids hears the cops coming!" quoted one Balkan diplomat. "I mean, just what the hell is going on?!" A Russian source offered an unofficial statement that had to be severely edited in order to be published: "That $(#@)! Turkish $#*@! had the $#(@) temerity to provoke Russia's people?! We're going to find that $)@(@ Sultan, cut off his )($)@!@, and feed it to the fishes!"

The Sultan was not available for comment.
<edited to fix a few spelling errors>