(with added editorial comment)
-Away Days
For those of you wondering whether you would ever receive issue #5, fear not! The delay was due only to a state holiday - another fine French invention. President Comrade Paul spent the time visiting French territories and weeding his vegetable garden. We can report that the legumes and brassicas are doing well, but the early potatoes are being eaten by slugs. Comrade Paul introduced nematodes, a very nasty parasite that digests the slugs' innards. Interesting creatures slugs and nematodes, but the truly amazing fact is neither of them were invented by the French. [Ed: surely this bit isn't actually true?]
-Business Report
Markets took a positive view on the French investment in infrastructure. Analysts agree that even if this leads to nuclear war as the fear mongers hope, that can only help reduce the number of slugs that eat potatoes. On the other hand, armies are likely to have the opposite effect since slugs are particularly fond of heavy soil.
-Oh No Not Foot Ball Again
We surveyed French readers on their attitude towards the origin of foot ball. More than 100% agreed that NFATG's so called facts are without credibility. However, at the risk of appearing to treat NAFFTAG as though it were serious news media, we feel compelled to point out just some of the [Ed: many] holes in their argument.
Of course we are aware of the rumour that foot ball originated in China. Do we really need to point out that China, with a population of more than 1 billion and a civilisation nearly as old as any French invention, has never reached the knock-out stage of a world cup. They didn't even have a national football team before the 1920s, and it wasn't until the 1950s that they joined FIFA! [Ed: suggest replace "the 1950s" with "late in the century"]
We suspect the claims regarding China are founded on a lesser known French achievement: outside of China, France contains the largest community of people who culturally identify with China. We can safely say this has been the case for a very long time, and our journalist are now investigating the possibility that Chinese culture originated in France, and France therefore invented China. [Ed: understating the case there a bit aren't we?]
Give GAFFMAG some credit for helping unearth this fact, but debit an equal amount for not subscribing to the kind of in-depth reporting conducted here at the Red, White & Bugle. [Ed: that'll tell 'em!]
-Away Days
For those of you wondering whether you would ever receive issue #5, fear not! The delay was due only to a state holiday - another fine French invention. President Comrade Paul spent the time visiting French territories and weeding his vegetable garden. We can report that the legumes and brassicas are doing well, but the early potatoes are being eaten by slugs. Comrade Paul introduced nematodes, a very nasty parasite that digests the slugs' innards. Interesting creatures slugs and nematodes, but the truly amazing fact is neither of them were invented by the French. [Ed: surely this bit isn't actually true?]
-Business Report
Markets took a positive view on the French investment in infrastructure. Analysts agree that even if this leads to nuclear war as the fear mongers hope, that can only help reduce the number of slugs that eat potatoes. On the other hand, armies are likely to have the opposite effect since slugs are particularly fond of heavy soil.
-Oh No Not Foot Ball Again
We surveyed French readers on their attitude towards the origin of foot ball. More than 100% agreed that NFATG's so called facts are without credibility. However, at the risk of appearing to treat NAFFTAG as though it were serious news media, we feel compelled to point out just some of the [Ed: many] holes in their argument.
Of course we are aware of the rumour that foot ball originated in China. Do we really need to point out that China, with a population of more than 1 billion and a civilisation nearly as old as any French invention, has never reached the knock-out stage of a world cup. They didn't even have a national football team before the 1920s, and it wasn't until the 1950s that they joined FIFA! [Ed: suggest replace "the 1950s" with "late in the century"]
We suspect the claims regarding China are founded on a lesser known French achievement: outside of China, France contains the largest community of people who culturally identify with China. We can safely say this has been the case for a very long time, and our journalist are now investigating the possibility that Chinese culture originated in France, and France therefore invented China. [Ed: understating the case there a bit aren't we?]
Give GAFFMAG some credit for helping unearth this fact, but debit an equal amount for not subscribing to the kind of in-depth reporting conducted here at the Red, White & Bugle. [Ed: that'll tell 'em!]