- official organ of the French Free Press -

Match Report

To late for inclusion in issue #1, here we give you the report from Tuesday's exciting football match in Sotoouboua.

France 21
Nigeria -1

The game started competitively and after just 10 minutes the referee (Comrade Paul) was forced to send-off several Nigerian players for repeatedly running in an offensive manner. The first goal came soon after, and before the replacement goalkeeper could be found.

At the recommencement French strikers swung left, right and centre towards the Nigerian goal and scored three at the same time. This was followed by an embarrassing loss of temper by the Nigerian manager, who was, quite rightly, also sent-off. The referee then reminded the remaining players and staff that France had invented the game of football.

After seven more goals in as many minutes, the entire French defence took a deserved break. They enjoyed coffee and croissants at a local café, and then in a moment of understandable Gallic emotion commandeered the Nigerian team bus and drove it off a cliff.

The second half was a quiet affair with an almost post-orgasmic feel, the hard work done and only mopping up required. The French team spent much of time exchanging stories of romantic walks along the Champs-Elysees. Whether we believe them or not, they earned some bragging rights here today!

Queries about Nigeria's negative goal count were answered by the words "Made in China" on the back of the scoreboard. But here at the Red, White & Bugle, we feel this count accurately reflected the spirit of the match.